


Gone Forever

by orphan_account



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Comfort, Coping, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmares, Reader-Insert, References to Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-15 19:52:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16070132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: first ten, then eight, now reduced down to three.right after the explosion of the washington lodge, you, matt and chris are now left to right with the trauma of the many deaths that had occurred.you realize the aftermath of your actions, all of it hitting you at once as the you're being brought to wherever after the helicopter rescued you from that god awful mountain.





	1. Chapter 1

you kneeled on the snowy ground, chest racking with heavy coughs as the ash and smoke from the explosion filled your lungs. it wasn't just you, of course, it was your remaining friends who were also covering their mouths and wiping their eyes, coughing.

you looked around at your group, which had once been ten, then eight, and now reduced to a measly three; yourself, chris and matt.

bringing your arms around yourself, you sat back on your feet, ducking your head with shuddering cries. you had lost so many people in a matter of a few hours, and so had chris and matt. warm tears ran down your scraped up, dirty face, slipping into the cuts, leaving a burning sensation in their wake.

out of the three, you were the most injured, a long cut from a wendigo running a ragged path down your arm, blood thickly caking it, the stream of it now reduced to a mere dribble.

a bright, large light from above left the three of you startled and quickly looking up, finding that the source was a helicopter, there to save you. your hair was stirred from its very loose ponytail, strayed hair slick against your forehead with a heavy layer of sweat. you still held yourself, pressing your fingers into your covered arms, nails having been ripped off long ago.

before you knew it, the helicopter was landing, the loud sound from the blades piercing your ears, and chris was coaxing you up into your feet and into said copter. matt had silently boarded it, sitting in one of the seats silently, a blanket being wrapped around his shoulders. you and chris also sat down and the people inside provided you with a heavy blanket. without a moment of hesitation, you took it and wrapped it around yourself, using the edge to wipe at your tears.

you leaned into matt's side, closing your eyes, exhaustion dotting the edges of your vision with black, consciousness slowly slipping from your grasp, head lolling against your friend's shoulder. it took him by a bit of surprise, but he simply examined your sleeping features before looking away, puffing out his cheeks with this dulled look in his brown eyes.

_the video played and you stood next to sam, the large screen in josh's cinema room lighting up with the image of a large saw tearing through said guy's abdomen, blood spraying everywhere. screams were loud in the background along with murmured apologies, but that was all washed away when sam screamed out into the room, holding the towel against her chest, other hand grasping yours. the deep voice told you both to run, and you did, sam making sure to throw a vase at the psycho in a mask as he chased after you two. he caught you, gassing sam and then you, and you both woke up tied to a chair._

_mike shaking held the gun up, pointed straight at em's face, finger hovering over the trigger. there was a panicked look in his eyes, truly terrified as his adam's apple bobbed with each nervous gulp he took. the sounds of emily's protests didn't go unheard - the exact opposite, in fact, as you wrapped a hand around his arm, shaking him. all he did was gently push you back, saying "she has to go. as long as she's in here, this isn't a safe room" and next thing you knew, the gun went off and emily was dead, bullet having gone through her eyeball, jaw slack. you hands slid from his arm, biting back a cry, shoving your fist in your mouth._

_you hid behind a pillar as the wendigos stalked around on all fours, tilting their heads back and screeching. hannah had come in, attacking them all, tearing them apart but that didn't make you feel safe. she was one of_ them _and had the same intent. that was made very obvious when she appeared beside your head, jaw opening with a horrendous and deafening screech, leaving a buzzing sound in your ear. you stilled, biting down so hard that your tongue bled and you tasted the metallic taste, nearly gagging at how strong it was. sam motioned for you to hit the switch, but then a wendigo got mike, held him up and sam tried saving him. it reigned successful, but you had fun and hit the switch, house exploding and killing them both._

you awoke with a start, a fresh layer of sweat sliding down your forehead and back, breath laboured and shaking, eyes opened wide and filled with a certain terror that gave matt and chris chills when they looked at you. one hand grasped matt's sleeve, the other doing the same to the blanket. tears pooled in your (e/c) eyes, a fresh sob caught in your throat.

matt placed a scratched hand on your shoulder, chris simply looking you over, sadness evident in his blue orbs.

"i— i could . . . could _see_ everything that happened again. every little detail. _everything_ ," you whispered, looking down at your lap, clenching your fists in it. "and i killed them— i killed sam and mike. i did. i ran and hit that stupid fucking light switch without thinking, i—" an abrupt sob broke her words, breaking her down even more.

the others could only watch with teary eyes as you realized what you had done. what you didn't mean to do but what had happened.

even though chris was just a broken as you and matt, he brought out an arm from underneath the blanket, wrapped it around your shoulders, and hugged you against his side. he closed his eyes as his cheek met the top of your hair, tangled knots brushing his cheek.

matt moved his hand from his shoulder to your knee, leaning a bit of his weight against you, warming your side with ease. he didn't say anything— nobody did, sitting in the almost silence as you ignored the other people in the helicopter staring at you.

if under other circumstances, you would've thought of this moment as nice, but it was far from it. the three of you were bruised and dirty and injured, bodies aching terribly with each simple movement. small hiccups still filled the almost silent air, body trembling against both boys.

everyone was gone, leaving the three broken survivors to pick up the pieces that were themselves, and slowly learn to live life as normal.

you didn't know if you could do that.

mike, your longtime best friend was gone.

so was sam, your beautiful girlfriend who would always make something vegetarian when you went over to her house. who would push lean against your arm and press light kisses against your shoulder. who would brush her fingertips against your lips gently, tracing their shape.

they were _gone_.

forever.

never coming back.

and that thought hit you especially hard, tearing the biggest sob out of your chest, heaving it into your hands as you squeezed your eyes shut as tight as they would.

 _i'm so sorry,_ you thought, _i love you_.


	2. Coping Methods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your old coping method may not be the best.

**ONE YEAR AFTER THE INCIDENT.**

a nightmare flung you out of your sleeping state, bile rising in the pit of your stomach as you quickly say up in bed. your body was drenched in a sheen later if sweat, blankets having been thrashed off of you during the night. the face of sam's charred body haunted you every single night, and the image of it flashed on the inside of your eyelids, stomach turning as you rushed to the small bathroom just outside of your room.

quickly hugging the toilet, you emptied the contents of your stomach into it, tears pricking your eyes when the acidic taste registered on your tongue. swiping the back of your hand against your lips, you pushed yourself up, flushing the toilet and turning on your heel, heading into the kitchen.

it was your routine now, even a year after the incident that killed most of your friend group. that had taken your girlfriend from you. that took up your mind every night and woke you up with a start. every night you would vomit, then head to your kitchen and drink. this was your new coping method.

it wasn't necessarily a _healthy_ coping method, but it was a method and you intended on continuing to cope this was until you felt numb to it all.

chris had tried scolding you when he found you passed out at your kitchen counter, a bottle of tequila emptied, breath smelling strong of the alcohol. you laughed it off, telling him that he had his ways and you had yours. you didn't need him to boss you around, and you made sure to tell him that. he had simply turned around and left, making sure to slam the front door, adding to your terrible hangover. he left you alone for a few weeks.

a few weeks after that, matt had let himself in with the key both himself and chris had. he found you sitting at the same counter your blond friend had found you at, alcohol bottles scattering it, each holding a varying amount of liquid. your eyes were glazed over and puffy from, what he assumed, crying your eyes out. a framed picture of you and sam was held in one hand, the other pressing the barrel of a gun to your own temple, fingertip hovering over the trigger. he told chris and the both of them wouldn't leave you alone for awhile.

a few months after that, they tried acting as if everything was normal. it wasn't, not to you, but you tried not to let that show. it felt selfish of you, especially since you had all lost people that night. so, instead of day drinking and pouring your emotions out on them, you only drank a few shots when the nightmares woke you up in the middle of the night.

you grabbed a shot glass and something strong from your cabinets, pouring shots after shots until a small buzz warned your veins. after around five or six, you put it away and say on your couch, watching movies you and sam would watch when it was raining, or simply when you were bored out of your minds. eventually you drifted off to sleep, the buzz wearing off in a matter of an hour.

when you woke up at one in the afternoon, you instantly got up and grabbed your phone off your nightstand where you had left it. as you walked back to the couch, a throw blanket hung over your forearm, you quickly texted chris and matt back, agreeing to make dinner for them later tonight when they came over. your two best friends were oblivious to your drinking habits, as you had sworn off alcohol after your first week of therapy sessions when matt found to with the gun.

later that night, when the sky slowly darkened, you set up the small table with a big bowl of pasta and garlic bread, soda poured into tall glasses when the door was knocked on. you wiped your parmesan cheese dusted hands on the back of your pants, opening the door and letting them in, greeting them with small smiles and quick hugs before you all day down and began eating.

"so, how have you been lately?" chris asked, talking around a mouthful of garlic bread, wiping the crumbs off of his lips with the napkin next to his plate. you swallowed your bite of pasta, shrugging nonchalantly.

"m'good, i guess. still have nightmares though."

matt's fork clinked against his plate, "me too, but only sometimes. not every night like before. still super terrifying nonetheless."

the blond across from you nodded, humming as he sipped from his glass, "same here."

you wanted to mumble something snarky about how they were lucky it wasn't every night, how they were lucky that they could probably doze off and not wake up in a cold sweat, but you didn't, instead biting your tongue until you winced inwardly.

the two talked between themselves, your mind tuning them out, flashing back to the mountains, to the sharp claws of the wendigo that had scratched your back, leaving a ragged scar that would never go away.

that was until a hand placed itself on your arm, causing you to basically jump out of your skin, smacking it away and blinking rapidly. vision coming back into focus, you registered the worried looks of both men, chris' hand hovered in the air before he quickly dropped it.

"sorry," he apologized, "y/n. . . are— are you really okay?" matt leaned on his elbow, eyes soft as they looked at you. a rattling breath left your lips, holding back tears, making it hard for you to breathe. you started shaking your head, dropping your fork and running your hands desperately through your hair.

"no, chris, no i'm not okay. i get really fucking hard to be, but i can't find peace. sam's burnt corpse appears every time i close my eyes and — shit — i just want her to go away!" you cried, looking down at your lap," you cried, voice becoming raspy, "and when i wake up, shaking, i run to the bathroom and then drink for a bit. i can't _fucking_ live like this, guys."

you all sit in silence, them processing your words. matt looks the most worried, having seen you at possibly your lowest point. he didn't want to see that again— it scared the living shit out of him. clearing his throat, he brought his eyes to your teary ones.

"have you, y'know, tried to. . . do _that_ again?" matt asked, seeming scared of what your response would be, hands gripping his napkin between tight fingers. chris also seemed to lean towards you, eyes softening behind his glasses.

you shook your head, "no, no it's not that bad, thank god. i just take a few shots, watch movies, then fall asleep on the couch. but i, well, i've thought about it. how much easier it would be to just. . . give up, you know? but i can't do that— sam would literally kill me herself if she could." a small chuckle that didn't reach your eyes escaped you, quickly dying down into a thin lipped expression.

there were no more questions or talking after that; you all scraped your plates, not having much appetite after that, cleaning up and getting ready to sit on the couch and watch whatever was on. you sat in the middle of your friends, their arms wrapped around you, each of you having a blanket to warm you. you didn't talk about earlier, just watched movies and fell asleep.

except this time, you didn't wake up from terrorizing nightmares, and from then on you all decided on moving in with each other, into a bigger place. instead of drinking, your new coping method was laying with each other on the couch and watching older movies and tv show reruns, drifting off to sleep one by one.

you liked this method much more than the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to add a second chapter just cause! enjoy! ✨

**Author's Note:**

> hope you guys enjoyed! not my best work, but i enjoyed writing it! :)  
> ( not revised )


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